the Feldenkrais Method with Emma Alter

Habits are in everything we do.

Whether we know it or not, we all have habits of how we do, think and sense everything. Alongside habits of emotions too. When we’re born we come out with 6-8 basic emotions imprinted in the system. Ready out of the box, if you like. (The differing numbers depends on which scientist you read.) As we mature, the basic emotions combine together to form more complex feelings.

An emotion has different facets. It’s a thought in the mind. It’s accompanied by a facial expression, breathing and a body pattern. These serve to amplify the emotion. The physical parts create a feedback loop. It solidifies that brief thought into something more tangible- a sensation, a feeling. After all, “feeling” means both thinking and sensation. Like learning to tie your shoelaces, complex emotions are also learnt. You probably don’t remember the amount of time or all the experiences it took to form it into a pattern.

In an ideal world we’d be freer to allow the emotions to pass by. We’d feel them for the duration of the event, and then let them go, so there’s space for the next one that comes along. But in reality, we hold on to some longer than others. Some have been more present in our upbringings than others. Often we’ll still have emotional vestiges of habits of the basic patterns left.

Emotional Habits

These can be breathing patterns, facial expressions, or body patterns. You can see it most in the person who has a little frown, or always looks sad. Someone who never stops to breathe whilst speaking. Or who always looks a little uncomfortable in themselves. The physical vestiges of their left over emotional habits.

Emotional connection in families can be both wonderful and dysfunctional. Often at the same time. We’re complex beings, we can hold opposing thoughts at the same time. Which brings us back to how we can better respond during the holiday period?

These kinds of tools we can learn are useful for all part of life where we have to deal with others. After all, for everyone, some people are easier to connect with and understand than others. Whether family, friend or colleague.

Self knowledge is powerful. It’s the same with our habits around emotions. Some are clear for us, others less clear in our self image. Whether we like it or not, most stem from childhood. Your parents were probably more comfortable with some emotions than others. And what was acceptable often forms the basis of your own emotional vocabulary.

How do you respond physically when someone says something you don’t like?

Words can be barbs, and the brain-body responds in the same way as a physical threat. We have a physical response. Part of this follows universal patterns, part will be individual to you. It’s why violent deeds are so often close behind violent words. Thought, feeling, emotions, action- they’re part of the same pie. Emotions move us into action.

If we can sense our physical response, we can change it, so our response is easier. It can be closer to how we’d like to behave.

It’s easier to change our physical responses than our thoughts, so it’s an excellent place to start. Our embodiment is inextricable from thoughts, actions. They’re part of the same 4 part Action Pie. Emotion-thought-sensation-action. They happen together. We shift one, the others will shift too.

The first step is learning to notice, to become aware of what you do. Awareness is your superpower in learning. Sensing your centre, was a first step. Another is to shift your breathing.

Calming the Nervous System

Under duress of any kind, our breathing pattern will change. Along with our facial expression and body pattern.

One of simplest things to do to calm your nervous system is to slow the out breath. It’s one of the first tools in the Reduce Anxiety toolbox that I teach on my course.

This action flips the switch of your para-sympathetic system. That’s the rest, digest, heal part of your nervous system. Don’t mess with the in-breath. Leave it alone. Changing that is more likely to excite the nervous system, rather than calm it. Rather, concentrate on slowing down the outbreath.

How to do that?

To start, count your inbreath, and outbreath, without trying to change it. What the numbers are aren’t important. It’s a base line to measure from. And we have to start somewhere. Count 3 cycles so you can find the average. Note if the in breath is longer or shorter than the outbreath.

Then, elongate your outbreath by one number. Just a little. Enough to feel it, but not longer than is truly comfortable.

Once this settles, add another number to the outbreath. Continue for as long as is really comfortable. Don’t push to achieve. That will undo the work you’re doing. It has to feel nice, to feel easy. Continue to follow your outbreath with your attention. When you do this at the same time as listening , what you hear is part of the information stream. You’re dividing your attention. So it may well feel easier to hear to start with. When you’re calmer, you can respond in a way where there’s some choice.

Respond, not react.

Combine the two ideas: Slowing the Outbreath, with “sensing your bottom”. How does that feel different from usual? How would you describe the sensation? Having a connection with your physical self changes your experience. And you may have enough connection to yourself to respond differently. Rather than from habit. See what emerges from the different sensation.

I look forwards to feedback after the festive period.

When it comes to family, and family occasions, they’ve had a lot of years to know which buttons to press. We can’t stop them saying what they might, but we can change our response. Bit by bit, conversation by conversation. One occasion at a time, until you’re able to create different responses more often. It takes time, but these relationships will last our lives, so why not start now.

If you change, other people’s response to you will also shift. Whether they’re aware of it or not. To go further, we’d start with noticing your physical response to your emotions. Every emotion comes with a breathing pattern and a body -or physical holding pattern.